This a very personal journey of survival and healing, I hope to inspire and give insights.
(incest – refers to any sexual activity between closely related persons (often within the immediate family) that is illegal or socially taboo.)
I was adopted as an infant into a family. I was one years old when the adoption process was complete and I went home to live with them. By the time I was four or five years of age the first incest attack on me occurred. As an infant I did develop the same bonds with my mom and dad as if they had actually been my birth parents. The incest assaults were all very brutal, gradually as I got older even more and more painful, my father used cruel malicious mental mind games on me and twisted the truth and twisted my thoughts to suit his needs. I was beaten unconscious on many occasions, on 3 separate occasions he beat me so severely I believed I was dying. He had 2 natural born children and at one point he put a shot gun to my brothers head and said he was going to blow his brains out. We including mom, were beaten and abused every single day. I will not speak of specifics because it is not beneficial in any way and would only attract predators and repel survivors because it would be too shocking and too painful to read.
For the first 3 or 4 years of my life I believe it was normal. For the next 8 to 9 years I lived through unspeakable horrors at the hands of a Psychopath Pedophile. As a pre-teen I would fight him and curse him and he would beat me mercilessly. I ran away several times and each time I was returned home once by police and once by a concerned family. The severity and the duration of this level of abuse broke me inside, it fractured me mentally into a million different pieces all of those pieces were damaged and had his mind manipulations stamped into them. At 12 years of age the last incest assault on me ended the reign of terror because my father left and moved to California to work for an elementary school as a bus driver.
What follows is my journey through devastation of what had happened and my gradual recovery. By sharing this with the world I hope to reach fellow survivors for the purpose of inspiring and maybe gaining insight into the recovery process. Not everyone will be able to relate to me, not everyone’s abuse was this severe, some survived much worse. No matter what level of survival you come out of I still hope that by sharing my struggles and my journey of healing with you that you can find inspiration and take away from this some insights or some knowledge that will touch your life and be helpful.
During the 8 years of incest my only goal was to survive to be an adult so I could escape and be free. (I did not know at the time that being free would mean 8 years of hard work in intensive therapy sessions.) As a child I clung to the belief that somewhere, somehow I could find a place and people who would love me and not abuse me. I clung to that belief; it helped protect my sanity and that incredible hope also helped to keep me alive. When I was very young and the incest assaults would occur I would repress the memory of it as soon as the assault stopped. I did not know it had happened. I became increasingly wary and terrified of something trying to destroy me but I couldn’t tell you what it was. As the incest assaults continued I learned how to disassociate from my body completely and even at times I would remember a floating sensation and looking down on the scene. I became a very light sleeper and the tiniest of sounds would wake me instantly. Gradually the full weight and burden of the memories and uncountable incest assaults came into full consciousness and I began an impossible task of suppressing the thoughts and trying to maintain control of the absolute chaos in my mind. My disassociations from my body during the abuse was a relief and helped me to survive but slowly I realized that I was maintaining a level of disassociation from my body all the time. This was a problem cause someone once or twice held my hand and I would look down at the sensation of a sudden awareness that I had a hand and it was so tiny and warm in their hand. I will talk more on this in future posting.
I tried as a child to make the abuse stop by telling friends, strangers, teachers. I told a police officer in Lousiana that I was being abused and he did nothing to help me and took me home cause I was running away and my father saw me delivered to the house in a police car and later beat me to unconsciousness. I told my mom, grandmother, and neighbors I was being abused no-one helped me they turned their back on me and my grandmother beat me so badly blaming me as she was yelling at me. I was so alone.
(sidebar here: if a child tells you they are being abused by their dad the last person you call is the dad or the family. You are endangering that child’s very life cause in my case my father took special pleasure in beating me so severely on those occasions I thought he was killing me I was blacking out and thought I was dying.)
So when a concerned person I had told I was being abused, called Child Welfare, I was well into high school and when I got pulled out of class to the counselor’s office I was in such fear for my life then my first and only intervention came way too late…because at one point my father had held a shotgun to my brothers head and told my brother he was going to blow his brains out, so I decided that this man would probably kill one or all of us. So I did what I felt I had to do and I denied everything, sobbing hysterically; that the social worker begged me to step forward and they would protect me, but I didn’t see how and my fears were so ingrained in me and since I had lived this long why risk that evil man murdering me when I am so close to freedom so I denied everything, in tears, in absolute fear for my life. It was too late.
My mother and father got divorsed when I was 12 his last abuse was public humiliation. But at 17 I moved out of my home town and out of all of those peoples lives for nine years I never spoke to anyone in my family. As for my father, I chose to never to speak to him ever again.
So if you find yourself in the midst of abuse seek help, you deserve to be safe and from the 70’s when I was trying to get help to now, there is a greater awareness of incest and more facilities to reach out to for help. I hope my writings help to give you hope for your journey of healing.
My experience left me with total chaos inside my mind and a body that was numb and out of touch with reality. All the thunderous extreme and very intense emotions of pain, shame, humiliation, disgust, all those type of feelings are common and they do with time and counseling become like a faint whisper that you can barely hear and when you walk through the darkness, believe you will find the end of the tunnel and you will emerge out into the light and your heart will soar with joy and peace and love. I know cause I am out into the light and have been out in the summer sun for many many years it truly gets easier. Please hang on and take inspiration from me. I have come back into the darkness to write for you, to grab your hand and say come this way with me out of the darkness and into the summer sun. Be brave and walk with me on this journey you are no longer alone.
Let me say to you, from my heart to yours, you must seek out professional help and make a commitment to never to be like those people, ever. Never allow the abuser to win. Incest is generational abuse, make your stand right here and right now, do not allow incest to pass from you to your children’s generations. Now your true journey to healing and recovery begins. Have courage and take it slowly this is not anything that can be rushed.
In Dallas you can seek out Pastoral Counseling and Education Center and also Incest Recovery Association. Both of these agencies were instrumental in my recovery. My heartfelt blog is not meant to replace professional help. Books to read…Nobody’s Ever Cried for Me, Wounded Heart, Bold Love, The Shack.
You cannot know, right now, how deeply your abuse has altered your thinking, your behavior, your belief systems, your sexuality, self esteem, self worth, future relationships, everything about you has been altered by your perpetrator but now its time to make up lost ground. Take back your thoughts by doing this: take a thought to its origins to find out if its based in truth or based in the lies of the abuser.
These are simple examples, there are much deeper and more complex thoughts within all of us:
I used to think that I deserved to be abused. Well that’s just not truth. Its a lie from my father that he used as part of his mind control over me.
I used to think that I was a bad person and somehow it was my fault. Well thats just not truth. Its a lie again set up by my father to shame me and control me.
Seek out the thoughts you have and write them down please do this with a counselors guidance its for your safety and to make sure you are getting down to the truth. Take that thought or belief back to its origins and find out if it is grounded in the truth or in the lies and this is how you truly begin to set yourself free.
Dallas Pastoral Counseling and Education Center as well as The Family Place are great agencies to seek out. Another great book, “The Shack”.
Our thoughts become our behavior, start reclaiming your thoughts from the abusers control and In the next posting I will discuss behaviors….
Like a Phoenix rising from the ashes; you will rise up again whole and renewed.
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